http://www.relazine.com/feed/ http://www.relazine.com/ Free tips and advice about having a successful relationship. From dating to friendship and marriage. Thu, 19 Feb 2009 04:07:09 +0100 Thu, 19 Feb 2009 04:07:09 +0100 http://www.relazine.com/divorce/how-to-stop-divorce http://www.relazine.com/divorce/how-to-stop-divorce If you are a philanderer and your indiscretion is caught by your spouse then expect your life to turn into a living hell. Expect that you will be stripped down into nothingness in your own home, you will be mocked and scorned upon by the people in your society, you will be ousted like a criminal and there is a big possibility that your spouse will file for divorce, ending your marriage and leaving you with nothing. The only good news in this living nightmare of yours is you can actually stop your divorce from happening. It’s going to be grueling and strenuous but you can stop your divorce after being unfaithful. If you want to stop your divorce you have to start from scratch. You have to build your partner’s trust and win the respect if you want to stop your divorce. This can take a long time depending on the degree of hatred and remorse your partner feels for you but if you want to stop your divorce you have to endure it no matter how long it takes. To stop your divorce, you have to face yourself first before negotiating for reconsideration from your spouse. What I mean is, before you begin with your tearful, down-on-bended-knee apology, you have to reflect first why you did what you did. Apologizing without really understanding why you did it makes you a faker. If you really want to set things right again, you have to face the facts from within you. Know what triggered you to cheat- do you feel that there is something missing and lacking in your marriage and in your partner? Do you feel neglected and uncared for? Or you are just a plain “scumbag” that cannot stay put and behave like a decent person. Hear yourself out if want other people to hear you out. Then commit to yourself that you will do the right thing. If you are done with your self- reflection and enlightenment moment, it’s time to face the music. Saying a sincere apology without promises is a good start on how to stop divorce. You have to remember that when you are caught cheating, your words have no weight or bearing anymore, your credibility and integrity no longer exists that’s why it’s futile for you to make any promises. When you apologize you have to be human enough to admit your mistakes and the reason why you did it. Saying “I’m sorry I was unfaithful because I felt ___ and I am going to work this out, give me a chance to straighten things out. I’m not going to promise anything, I want to show it to you.” If the reason of your two-timing is your unstoppable compulsion then volunteer to have yourself treated in an institution otherwise find a relationship coach (ehem..) to clearly spell out some miscommunication in your marriage. Showing perseverance and determination is another great way on how to stop divorce. This means no bickering or arguing when your spouse is guarding your every move 24/7. Relationship wise, you are now officially an “ex-convict” so it’s just understandable if your significant other acts like a parole officer that demands you check in every now and then and imposes a curfew and assigns certain places that you are prohibited for you to visit. This can be tough but you only have yourself to blame. I hate to say this but sometimes people get what they deserve. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Tue, 27 Jan 2009 07:59:31 +0100 http://www.relazine.com/divorce/stopping-divorce http://www.relazine.com/divorce/stopping-divorce This can be a nightmare. When your marriage comes to a one sided love affair. When you are no longer on the same level with your significant half, when your spouse wants out while you on the other hand is insisting to hold on and make it work. You know in your heart that stopping divorce is the best decision. You know that you can do better and make your marriage work. Though your spouse is very strong about his or her decision and stopping divorce may seem impossible, don’t fight it. The more you argue about it the more you can aggravate the situation. The best or the wisest thing that you can do when your husband or wife wants out for good, you have to keep your cool even if you are dying to shout and shake him or her to his or her senses. If you break down and go down on your knees with tears covering your whole face, you might scare him/ her more and get him or her to think that he or she is making the right decision of divorcing you. When your husband or wife tells you to end your marriage, keep calm and collected, this conveys a message of great maturity and sensibleness. If you put on a calm and serious face your spouse will think that you take him or her seriously and that you know the degree of his/ her sentiments. In stopping divorce, show your partner openness and sincerity that you want to hear him or her out. In stopping divorce create conducive environment for communication. Hear out his or her reason or reasons for his or her decision for divorce. If you think that his or her reasons are in your capacity to correct then tell your partner that you can work it out. If your other half decides to give you another chance to prove yourself, stand up to it. Put together a loving atmosphere in your home. Produce an aura of forgiveness, acceptance and belongingness in your abode not just to prove a point but for your marriage sake. However, if your significant other is still decided, then you have to compromise and ask for your better half to take some time alone to think before doing some drastic decision. In stopping divorce, the best decision you can do is to allow your husband or wife to have his or her space. A trial separation may be the best solution for the mean time. You have to make it clear though that even if you don’t want to stay away from him or her but because you love him or her so much you will respect his or her need to be alone and to be away from you. Never forget to tell your husband or wife that you are willing to sacrifice you own happiness for him or her and all you want him/ her is to be happy, even if it implies that his or her happiness means you are out of the picture. Your spouse might realize that you mean well and might reconsider his or her decision. You have to be sincere when you say something like that and not say it just to make your spouse stay because sooner or later he or she will figure out that you are just pulling his or her leg, he or she might lash out and make it hard in you in your divorce. In stopping divorce make your partner realize that your marriage may be flawed but the beauty of marriage is it gives both of you the chance to fall in love all over again and work things out. All you and your spouse have to do is to have faith. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Tue, 20 Jan 2009 09:29:31 +0100 http://www.relazine.com/divorce/avoiding-divorce http://www.relazine.com/divorce/avoiding-divorce Marriage is very complicated. You should be resilient if you want to survive in it or else you will be faced with the nightmare of divorce. Before you get married you have to make sure that your relationship has what it takes or else the consequences can be very nasty. Legal separation is an option couples do when they cannot fulfill their promise of forever. But it is not easy to come by. Even if it’s mutual and agreeable decision, it is still expensive, traumatic and has ill effects on both of you and if you have them, the children. Everybody who goes through the process of legal separation will advice you that avoiding divorce is still the best solution. People who have gone through it will tell you if you can chose a better path do it. Majority of people with failed marriages have gone through the process of grieving and severe loneliness. In divorce it’s either you get out of it a better person or a broken person but you will never be same person. Marriage is about trial and error, a learning process. If you want to reach the nirvana in marriage you have to learn to forgive and learn from your mistakes. This is one key in avoiding a divorce. A lot can happen in a marriage and it includes mistakes that can hurt a lot. But believe another mistake cannot correct another mistake. It cannot redeem you from your pain in the marriage, it can make it worst. If your partner have wronged you, it’s hard to stop yourself from pointing an accusing finger of destroying your union. You have to be careful at pointing a finger because when you point one finger, you point four fingers back at you. My point is, before you accuse your spouse and dump all the fault at him, try to evaluate yourself first. Is there something you did that pushed your spouse to philander? It always takes two to make or break a marriage. When you are hurt and devastated, somehow it seems easier to find refuge in legal separation. If you are in emotional turmoil, it’s best to give yourself time to calm down and think of what is best for yourself, your children and your spouse. Yes he may have hurt you but if you have children, you have to think that what’s your best for both of you is good for the children. In avoiding divorce, both of you must get into the bottom of your issues. Facing the root cause of the problem makes it easier for you to forgive and can give both of you an action plan. It’s important that both of you should become aware of each underlying issue, blind forgiveness will only make matters worst. This will create pent up negative emotions, making your union stagnant and dead in the long run. Talking about your deep-seated concerns can make you surpass your current situation and move on and think of solutions rather than dwell on your hurt and your spouse’s mistakes. In avoiding divorce, both of you should make a commitment with each other and to yourselves to stick to your plan in saving your marriage. That plan may include open communication or a moment of time for just the two of you, whatever it may be you have to stand up to it no matter what. It’s important that you fulfill your commitment in order to build broken trusts. In avoiding divorce you have to learn to compromise, understand and make some effort to rekindle your love. Believe that love is just there somewhere. You just have to dig deep and give time. Avoiding divorce is easy if there is willingness and commitment to do so. Avoiding divorce is possible if you put it in your heart and mind that it is not an option. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Thu, 8 Jan 2009 14:50:21 +0100 http://www.relazine.com/divorce/deciding-to-divorce http://www.relazine.com/divorce/deciding-to-divorce You never thought marriage can be so painful. It puzzles you why people are making such a big deal about the beautiful stuff married life has to offer. For the longest time, you can never relate to other couple when they talk about the beautiful things in marriage. To have that someone who will take care of you and pamper you. To have that someone who you can laugh with and cry with, to have that someone who you can make plans with and have a wonderful family with. These are the things that you are hoping for when you decided to get married but all you get are the total contrary. Your union has made you into a very sad and very stagnant person. You are hurt in places and aspect of your life. You are deciding to divorce your husband, this “stranger” who deceived you into believing something that he’s not. Deciding to divorce is a very huge decision. You have a lot of important things to consider. If you have children, then they are your primary concern if deciding to divorce is the best solution. Child custody, property, finances, loved ones. These are also things that you have to think of when deciding to divorce your husband. There are times though that all these stuff are futile to consider because the marriage you are in is so destructive that deciding to divorce is the only option. These are the circumstances that deciding to divorce are the only choice you have. When there is physical abuse in your marriage. Nobody has the right to hurt anyone. Physical abuse can cripple you, literally and figuratively. You don’t deserve to live in fear and chaos. If you are with a physical abuser, don’t think, leave him and never look back. Think of your children, they don’t deserve to live in that kind of environment. There are no excuses for abusing someone physically. Another reason in deciding to divorce is if there is emotional and verbal abuse, being emotionally and verbally abuse can kill your persona, leaving you with nothing but a low self-esteem and a miserable life. Being abused emotionally is no different from being abuse physically. It can also cripple you inside. You don’t deserve to be ridiculed and trampled upon. One thing that you should guard is your emotions. It is the one that makes you human. Never allow your abuser to take that away from you. Deciding to divorce is the right thing to do is your spouse is a diagnosed substance abuser and in not willing to be treated. Living with an addict can be very dangerous. They can become very erratic and extremely unpredictable. The mind of a substance abuser is scary because they have twisted perception and their judgment is clouded. He can put your life and your children’s life at risk. Life has something more to offer than spending the rest of your life putting up with a person who is making a mess of his life. If living with your spouse can cause you your life and your whole being then it’s not worth it. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Tue, 23 Dec 2008 05:53:04 +0100 http://www.relazine.com/divorce/-why-men-cheat http://www.relazine.com/divorce/-why-men-cheat It has been a fact that the major cause of divorce is the infidelity of the husband. We, women, react by not trusting them and become more cautious of them. We have failed to see that in knowing why men cheat, we can become more equipped and able to prevent being cheated and betrayed. Thus, we can save our marriage. That is why knowing why men cheat is important. Here are some few reasons why men cheat. One is the mid life crisis syndrome. This usually happens to husbands between forty to fifty years old. This reason why men cheat is a perfect excuse for the wife and the neighborhood. He wakes up one morning and feeling he missed a lot in life. He acts like a teenager with crazy hormones. He thought he lived almost half of his life and it’s about time to enjoy it to its fullest and feel the pleasure life has to offer. He has this need to prove he is still desirable and the virility is never gone, he wants to test his strengths and abilities. To deal with this gray-haired teenager, you have to go directly in to their heads. You have to make it clear to him that playing house with a twenty year old child will never make him any younger. You have to put some sense in his regressed brain. He is risking his life-long investment for a phase and it will be shameful to realize one day that he is old and eighty years old and no one is home. Another reason why men cheat is the availability. Yes, meaning just because it’s there in front of him he grabbed the opportunity and banged himself out. Usually, in this case it’s the “other woman” who has been chasing after him and just to kill curiosity, he gives in. No matter how stable your marriage is, men are usually tempted especially if the temptation has been going on for quite some time now. In cases like this, the wife has nothing to do with this. For him, a quickie is no big deal and has no emotional involvement. This is relatively better to handle than any other reasons why men cheat because he is not emotionally involved. Unlike the previous reasons why men cheat, he is not the one spending his cash away for this affair and this usually ends soon. The better way to handle this is to forgive him and make him swear not to give in again. If you feel like it, you can also warn the temptress to go tempt someone else’s husband. Like any other reasons why men cheat, I feel comfortable telling wives to forgive their husband if the reason is availability because it’s not as serious and it can be worked upon. It’s a shame to go to the next divorce lawyer. As long as there’s a chance for compromise, work it out. Another reason why men cheat is boredom and too much familiarity. This usually happens with couples who have the same routine over and over again. The couple is consumed with the everyday “blah” and the bed is just a place to sleep and rest not a place to frolic and bond. Husbands who are trapped in this lifestyle are prone to outside enticement and if not caught in time can develop in a far deeper involvement in the affair. This reason why men cheat can be prevented. The couple should put in conscious effort to make the marriage alive. Give time and importance to each other and keep that spark and passion alive. Be each other’s confidant. And for women out there, do not be just a wife to your husband but his mistress as well. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Thu, 18 Dec 2008 05:30:43 +0100 http://www.relazine.com/divorce/healing-process http://www.relazine.com/divorce/healing-process In life there are phases and stages, especially in relationships. In the beginning and the end of the relationship, there are stages. In this article, I am going to discuss about the healing process after the relationship is over. Before the official divorce proceedings and just after the couple decided to separate- the person goes through stages of healing before they can move on. The duration of healing process is very subjective for each person. Some can snap out of it in the shortest time possible and some lingers through it in years. It depends on the person’s coping mechanism and support system. Nevertheless, there are stages and being aware there is a healing process, can aide you manage yourself. The first stage of the healing process is denial. This is the phase when you’re still floating and everything seems unreal. Denial is the mind’s way of dealing with traumatic occurrence or shock. You’re bombarded with disorientating and disturbing information. Your whole thought system cannot cope with it. The next phase of the healing process is the panic phase. This is the period when anxiety takes over. After the denial phase- the truth finally sips in your system and it terrifies you. You’re so disrupted you cannot think straight. Each individual has different ways in manifesting their panic attacks and anxiety- some people becomes claustrophobic, some agoraphobic and some becomes terrified in the dark. You might even think you are going crazy, your mind, your soul, your spirit- can’t take it anymore. Its okay, what you are going through is normal. You’re just traumatized, stressed out and crushed by what happened. Who wouldn’t be, right? As a matter of fact, if you feel nothing that’s a real cause for concern. The third phase of the healing process is grief; the feeling of loss, the period of mourning. There are a lot of crying feats in this phase but this allows you to say goodbye. The next stage of healing process is guilt. This is where your self-esteem is at its lowest. This is a crucial phase because you despise everything about yourself. This is the moment when you should be in the surroundings of your loved ones and friends- your support system. If you’re left alone you may be prone to depression. The next phase of the healing process is anger, the opposite of guilt- before you are blaming yourself for everything now-it’s his fault, all his fault. Hating him is pretty normal you are entitled to that but being caught in this stage for too long can be as dangerous as being depressed. Carrying anger and bitterness in your heart and mind is not only destructive but it can deteriorate you as a person. And the last but the most important part, the gist of the healing process- acceptance. This is the stage when you are enlightened of what happened. You have forgiven him and yourself. You finally understand the reasons and believed that it’s for the best. You are now willing to move on; you have a better plan for your kids and most importantly for yourself. The healing process, as I’ve said is very subjective, it can take weeks, months and some even years. And just when you thought you are done with the guilt phase, it comes back to overwhelm you in the middle of the night. But don’t fret- it’s normal. Just hang in there until such time you will be able to manage and resolve your issues and before you now it, you have survived. Keep in mind, this too shall pass. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Mon, 8 Dec 2008 07:17:15 +0100 http://www.relazine.com/divorce/divorce-mediator http://www.relazine.com/divorce/divorce-mediator After endless talks and arguments, you can’t take it anymore. Both of you have decided that divorce is the solution and there’s no other way. You can’t live another minute with each other anymore. So, one of you walks out of the house. So, now is the time to think of your checklists for your decision. One of the first things you should do is to contact a legal counsel. Having a trusted and sharp legal counsel is essential. Since it is a legal matter, it is important to actively participate in whatever actions your lawyer is doing and at the same time consult every matter you are about to take. If you were the one who filed first then you are the petitioner and your other half is the respondent. If both of you have decided to undergo mediated separation, then you have to hire a divorce mediator to take care of the whole process. This is when the couple hires a mediator for both of them and mediate on things to be settled. Mediated divorce can be relatively cheaper compared to other kinds of process where both of you need to hire a lawyer. If mediated divorce is applicable for both of you then there is no reason why not to go for this. Here is the checklist for hiring a mediator. The most significant in hiring is his or her understanding and comprehension of the legalities of the laws. The mediator should be neutral- he or she should not take sides and must have balanced opinions on what is best and beneficial for both parties. Another factor to consider in choosing a divorce mediator is the level of your comfort when you are dealing with him or her. You have to consider the fact you will be talking very personal issues and matters with your mediator so better hire one you can relate and talk with. Another plus factor to add on your checklist for mediators is to look for one with additional degrees and studies. For example, hiring one with a child psychology sub-specialty or with a master’s degree on property and realty law. Another one is to ask around about this kind of matter especially from people who have been through legal separation or the same situation as yours. Don’t hesitate to ask the mediator for particular issues such as his or her fees and work accomplishments. You can ask if he/she had a similar case like yours and what was the outcome of it. Never forget to include in your mental checklist for divorce mediator to ask for his or her references. What your going through is already messy and traumatic so keeping your separation as simple as possible is an important thing that you must work on. It’s a best idea to have a simple divorce. It is an uncontested procedure, this means there is mutual agreement from both party to be separated. There will be relatively less collateral damage when both of you decide to have simple divorce. It is always complicated and emotionally heavy and challenging. The best idea is to keep the process as uncomplicated, straightforward, and fast, as much as possible. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Tue, 25 Nov 2008 07:23:35 +0100 http://www.relazine.com/divorce/parenting-in-divorce http://www.relazine.com/divorce/parenting-in-divorce After taking care of the all the divorce matters, the party involved usually ends up very exhausted and tired. They generally forgot the issue that matters most is parenting. Being a parent is hard enough and much harder now that you are both divorced. This is the moment when you set aside your problems and focus on what is good for your kids. Both former couple should realize the children are the true victims of the divorce. Now, they have to learn to collaborate as parents not as couples. No matter how near or far one partner is after the divorce, it’s a must to spend equal time with the kids. This is what you call co-parenting. Co-parenting is when both parents continue to do their responsibilities as mother and father and not as husband and wife. Your bond is not broken as parents, you continue to discuss and converse regarding the needs and wants of your precious ones. Some divorced couple might see this idea impossible but the fact is the children are the ones who can benefit in co-parenting.Kids do suffer when the parents separate, and doing something to help the them cope with the divorce makes a responsible parent. One thing to observe as parents after the divorce is the changes in them- how they communicate with the parents. Another thing to consider is how they deal with having a new parent. In co-parenting, the divorced couple continues to discuss the changes in their children and tackle the issue together. This can put a stop to the suffering of the children. Picking up where you left off as a couple is very difficult but it’s a small price to pay if you want the children to be stable. There is a certain amount of maturity and open-mindedness if both parents want to make co-parenting work. Making decisions as couple of how to spend vacations and holidays and school recitals are some matters should be negotiated with your kids. Some might really find it hard to negotiate when the kids want to spend it with both parents. It is a must to listen and look at the kids perspectives and consider other options, then negotiate. Parents get emotional when dealing with kids. Since divorce is present, both or one parent should give up what they want or need in a divorce if it benefits the children. Understanding that both of you have different parenting ideas is one of the realities of the divorce, but as long as both of you share the same value system for your children, then negotiation is not hard to come by. The values that both of you might be dealing with are the education, discipline, religion, money issues, guidance and limitations. It’s helpful if you inform your new partner with regards to the decisions you made with your ex husband or wife about your kids so you can have their cooperation and support. When both parents decide to get a divorce, they must have thought they are better and happier without the other. When the commitment of being married is over, commitment of being a good parent should not go along with it. Never let the children suffer for the mistakes they did not commit. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Tue, 17 Jun 2008 22:44:26 +0200 http://www.relazine.com/divorce/unwanted-divorce http://www.relazine.com/divorce/unwanted-divorce Making a marriage work requires both partners to be devoted in the relationship. But, when things are constantly far from rosy, it is only a matter of time when one of the spouses would reach the point of wanting a divorce when the other is still trying to find achievement in the relationship. The husband or wife will start to act or express verbally his/her frustrations and discontentment, which is very likely to cause the other to feel a myriad of mixed emotions. It is very devastating to find one’s self in the middle of a divorce that has been initiated by one’s spouse. It can be even more devastating if an affair or a relationship with another person causes the divorce, which is not at all an uncommon occurrence in a lot of marriages today. And, when the unknowing spouse is still in love with the other even when the papers are already served, the usual reaction would be that of total desperation and misery, willing to do almost anything that just might change the spouse’s mind. When this happens, it would be wise to take things seriously and take action because let’s face it: people don’t typically file for a divorce out of impulsiveness. It would be prudent to ensure security for one’s own interests, especially one’s mental health. Dealing with an unwanted divorce can be tough, particularly if the whole reality of the situation hasn’t totally sunk in yet. One moment you will feel sadness, the next time you will be so desperate to get your spouse back and agree to just about anything, even to his terms of divorce which can leave you bone-dry. It is painful indeed, but it is of utmost importance to be level-headed and see things with one’s head instead of the heart. Understand all the legal issues and refer to a counsel before signing anything, and be wary of whatever your soon-to-be ex spouse will say because he might just be lying for his own interests. The fact that the person you thought you’ll grow old with has suddenly stopped loving you can shatter one’s ego to pieces. But, it hardly means that it’s the end of the world and everything else for you. Life would still go on no matter what; it only takes a lot of time for all your pain and suffering to start healing. Getting up on one’s feet again can be terrifying, but you don’t really have to do it by yourself. Family and friends are there to lend a helping hand or even just a sympathetic listening ear. However, some people would rather talk it out with a professional counselor, because it’s easier sometimes to pour everything out to a stranger rather than to a family member. An unwanted divorce is always awful, and affects a lot of people very much like a loved one’s death. Feelings of low self-worth and depression are all very common, but these will eventually pass. Life will always go on, and time will come when you’ll realize that the relationship wasn’t that good. There is always a rainbow after the rain, even after an unwanted divorce. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Thu, 5 Jun 2008 17:18:09 +0200 http://www.relazine.com/divorce/divorce-checklist http://www.relazine.com/divorce/divorce-checklist Divorce is undoubtedly commonplace, yes, but never easy. A person could go through divorce over and over again but the pain and hurt will always be there. It simply is one of the most difficult and disheartening event in a person’s life, which can cause stress emotionally, psychologically, legally, and most of all, financially. When a person or a couple finally decides to get a divorce, there are a lot of uncertainties and apprehensions that might make them chicken out and change their mind. But, when one is sensible enough, one can manage the whole process effectively. Starting on the right foot is essential, and will definitely make the situation easier for everyone. Maybe you never dreamed of ever having to dissolve your marriage, but we live in an imperfect world, and divorce is as real as the clouds in the sky. And, whether you like it or not, it is important to prepare every aspect of dissolving your marriage. A divorce checklist can help prepare you and might prove to be a good friend along the way. What must the checklist contain? Read on and make your own: The very first thing a person needs when taking this bumpy road is a thorough knowledge of the legal and financial aspects of the process. Use the internet to your advantage—even a newbie can gain vast information, and from the comfort of one’s own home, too. Or, you can buy books and even talk to friends and family who have been through the same situation. It is vital to have a complete understanding of the idea of divorce, as well as the different options that one may have for dissolving a marriage. One very important aspect to thoroughly research is the laws in one’s state, as it may be different from one state to the next. Be ready to come to terms that filing for a divorce means going through a lot of tedious paper works. Have all the documents needed to establish the precise value of your household’s financial standing. You must have your own copy of every file pertaining to your debts and assets, owned properties, and any investments, as well as pension plans, insurances and stock options. It can be difficult, especially if one’s spouse may not fully cooperate; don’t be disheartened, because you can request any information directly for any accounts on which you’re a co-signer. Having a good lawyer will be very helpful in effectively managing a divorce. Although you and your former partner have agreed on a settlement out of court, it is imperative to consult with a lawyer just to be very sure that you have everything covered. Ask around for recommendations, or consult your local BAR association for a directory of lawyers that you could choose from. Prepare all the pertinent paper works, as well as your questions in order to fully use your time that the lawyer is billing by the hour. You’ve got the legal and financial aspects covered—don’t forget the emotional factor that you have to handle. It may be hard and may open up old wounds, but take time to make a divorce checklist of the reasons and specific situations that made you absolutely sure that staying in the marriage is futile. You may want to wallow in self-pity from time to time, but this shouldn’t be something that you must go through alone. A friend or family member’s support is priceless—he/she can assist you in preparing necessary documents, accompany you to meetings with the lawyer and serve as the middleman between you and your former partner when things get nasty. Having a divorce checklist not only gets you ahead of the game, but can also give you an unshakable self-confidence in handling the situation and get on with your life. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Thu, 29 May 2008 21:58:01 +0200 http://www.relazine.com/divorce/joint-custody http://www.relazine.com/divorce/joint-custody Parents who want to make joint custody work must do everything they can to put the best interests of the children first. Any divorced couple can attest that co-parenting after a divorce is hard—it requires a great deal of commitment and effort from both parents. While the real desire of a newly-divorced couple is to break all ties with the ex, there is the task of building a cooperative, respectful environment where the raising of the child must be shared. The road to joint custody is always bumpy, with a lot of possible roadblocks and unforeseen turns along the way. In order to have a successful co-parental relationship in the long run, a newly-divorced couple must consider several issues and figure out strategies in order to successfully negotiate these issues. One issue is about guidance and discipline, often regarding bedtimes, homework and chores. It is common after a divorce for a parent to become stricter or more indulgent: one parent may let the child get away with everything, so the other parent would consequently try to enforce more discipline across both homes. When the parents have drastically different rules and expectations, it can be pretty hard for children. It is very important to make the children understand that the rules at mom’s house are different from that of dad’s. Sometimes one can’t help but say something about an ex in front of a kid. Some of the reasons parents often put down each other include the fear of losing the child to his/her ex, anger left over the broken relationship, and a rebuttal of the put downs by the other parent. In some cases a kid who seeks more attention from each will put down one parent in the presence of the other. As hard as it may seem, parents should try not to give in to the urge of putting down an ex in front of the child because this could have a negative effect on the child’s relationship with both parents. Although it can be quite hard to be polite and civil to one another, parents must know how to put aside their anger and resentment for each other especially during celebrations of important events with the kid. Both must make it a point to attend the child’s activities, and not interfere with the other parent’s visitation schedule, which should be the most important priority in a child’s schedule of activities. Divorce can leave a bitter taste in one’s mouth, and gift-giving can be very hard to do. To see the child open a gift with much excitement or talk about the fantastic gift that the other parent has given may be hard, but this should be viewed objectively. Gift-giving is a loving exchange between a parent and child, so it is not a good idea to restrict a child from taking a gift or giving one to the other parent’s house. It is easy to forget about a child’s school issues amid the flurry and stresses of the divorce. Often, communication with the school can be difficult, if not entirely forgotten. This can be prevented by ensuring that the school is informed of the situation. By requesting two sets of notices mailed to both parents, communication with the school becomes a lot easier. Every year the rates of divorce are consistently increasing, and more and more kids have parents with joint custody arrangements. It is not impossible for children to thrive in these families if there is good communication, cooperation and support from schools, courts and other agencies. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Wed, 21 May 2008 16:21:09 +0200 http://www.relazine.com/divorce/get-a-divorce http://www.relazine.com/divorce/get-a-divorce Making a decision whether to get a divorce or not is an awfully difficult choice that a person must make in his/her lifetime. One has to think about a lot of important factors, like children, the number of years you’ve been together, the major differences, and the possible effects of divorce on the family’s finances. However, the most important question that a person should be asking oneself is about his/her happiness: if you get a divorce will it make you happier or would you be better off staying in the marriage? This is an important question that you should ask not only to yourself but to your partner as well. Sometimes one can never know because there is no way of seeing into the future or telling what the future holds. Being a parent sometimes makes one worry that the children will be miserable, but in reality, they might be even more miserable if you stay together in the chaotic marriage. What motivates a person to get a divorce? Anyone making a divorce decision often has several reasons for wanting such. One factor is abuse in the relationship—whether physical or emotional, abuse needs to end. Abusive relationships hardly ever get better. The only way to get out of it is to break the cycle and leave. Hoping and praying that the abuse will end is futile; often, people who does only subject themselves to more abuse. There is, however, a glimmer of hope: an abusive relationship can get better if, and ONLY IF there will be separation for a long period of time while the abusive partner undergoes treatment from a qualified professional. Aside from abuse, there are many other reasons for divorce that may not be as obvious. It could be an extramarital affair, or merely the fact that you just can’t seem to see eye to eye on a lot of things. And more often than not, it is just a general feeling of unhappiness and frustration from the relationship. Whatever the reason, there is always that sense of uncertainty over what the best thing to do would be. This is pretty normal, and precisely the reason for support groups and websites aiming to assist people who are contemplating a divorce. Keep in mind that there is no such thing as a marriage made in heaven. Every marriage has flaws; even the old couple down the block who have obviously been married decades ago doesn’t have a perfect relationship. Which makes one wonder: what made them stick together, and why, oh why can’t you have a relationship just like that? There are two very obvious reasons for this: first, because in their era, divorce was frowned upon. It was simply unheard of—once you’re married, you stay married NO MATTER WHAT. You made the promise “till death do us part” and that’s when you will part: in death. Another reason is because they stayed together not only through the good times, but especially through the hard times. Marriage is not a walk in the park, or a bed of roses; there will always be hard times, and when a couple is able to stick through it together, they come out stronger than ever. Maybe this is what every marriage needs—not giving up. If every couple would always give up every time the going gets tough, they will never achieve anything but divorce. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Tue, 13 May 2008 20:35:38 +0200 http://www.relazine.com/divorce/parent's-divorce http://www.relazine.com/divorce/parent's-divorce Adolescent years are supposed to be fun, but when adolescents have to deal with their parents’ divorce, it becomes a devastating roller-coaster ride. It is common for teens to assume that their parent’s divorce may be their fault. Feelings of regret for being unable to prevent the parent’s split-up are also common, which is often untrue, since a divorce is usually due to a couple’s conflicts. Divorce has a remarkable impact on a teen’s daily life. There will be a lot of changes that a teen has to get used to—moving to another school, spending time with each parent separately, and dealing with a parent’s ill feelings toward each other. A parent must have a plan of action to make things as easy as possible for the teen. Money will certainly be tight, and teens are keen on noticing this. Financial insecurity can cause fear and resentment, especially if they start thinking about how their future will be affected. Do we have to move to a smaller house and give up the car? Will I ever be able to go to college? These are the questions that teens would usually ponder on. Aside from adapting to new spending habits, new routines must be established, too. Bouncing between Mom and Dad may be extremely difficult, as it involves money, which is already hard to come by. Parents need to make the kids understand that lesser money does not mean lesser love. A teen’s importance can be emphasized by establishing “affection routines”, such as constant communication and showing some love. Custody arrangements are never easy, but parent usually work out what’s best for the kids. Cooperation and honesty is essential, and whatever bitterness must be pushed aside for the sake of the kids. How can parents and teens work together to make divorce more tolerable? It is easier to deal with divorce when parents get along. Although couples can be naturally inclined to be bitter with one another, it is best to avoid arguing or fighting in front of the teens. Visiting arrangements must be handled in a way that would reduce the stress the kids may feel. Parents sometimes make the mistake of using their kids as baits for vengeful plots against a bitter spouse. Kids should be dealt with fairly, and should never be used as pawns by either parent. Although teens tend not to express their feelings and reactions, they will end up having mixed and conflicting messages about your one parent’s new relationship with his/her Ex. On the other hand, teens must also exercise fairness in dealing with the parent who has less involvement in their lives. Even if a parent is not that intimately involved with them, it hardly means that there is love lost between them. Keeping the communication channels open for everyone in the divorced family can be possible through counselors, family or great friends. Sometimes teens find it hard to open up to either parent, and may feel more comfortable talking to an unbiased professional that can take a closer look at the whole picture. Such professionals can easily give advice on how to maintain a healthy and nurturing environment for the teen. Dealing with divorce can be depressing, even for teens. Trusted family members and friends can provide support by listening to one’s feelings and reactions, which would eventually pass. There are also support groups for kids and teens going through their parent’s divorce that can help them talk to other kids who are going through the same situation. Divorce might look difficult at first, but teens will surely learn some things from the experience. It is important to keep an encouraging and positive relationship with them, and make them realize that they still have two parents in their lives. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Fri, 25 Apr 2008 05:21:59 +0200 http://www.relazine.com/divorce/divorce http://www.relazine.com/divorce/divorce An increasing number of marriages ended up in divorce over the past few years. A couple’s inability to communicate which leads to relationship breakdown most often causes divorce. Having a lasting relationship or avoiding separation is never easy, but once the decision to separate is agreed upon by both parties, there isn’t much that can be done except to try and solve everything in the most amicable way. Marriage breakdown is always traumatic, especially for the kids. Learning that the family will be ripped apart and that everything is about to radically change is always hard news for kids to take. There are some who can go through it and have no issues, but for a lot there will surely be serious side effects. Most children often believe that it’s their fault and they are the reason why mom and dad are breaking up. It is very important for parents to sit down and talk to their kids. Sure, you are going through a terrible time, but what about the kids? Take time to step away from your own sadness, anger or hurt and explain to them what’s going on, why this is happening and that there’s no one to blame. Allow them to voice out their feelings so that you can have a true understanding of what they are going through at the time. This way, it won’t be a traumatic experience and they won’t have to feel guilty. Divorce is indeed a source of stress for children, and can cause a decline of well-being. One of the biggest fears of children is change. Adapting to new schedules, home works, mealtimes and bedtime routines will only remind them that the family that they have always known will never be the same again. When a parent moves out of the house, the change in how much contact occurs can make the child feel that he has lost that person. It will surely create distress, especially if they are very attached to each other. Also, they may fear that if they have lost one, they may lose the other too. This loss of attachment may make them blame themselves, feel unsafe and unloved. Disagreements, arguments and tension between parents may make the child feel guilty, angry and alone. Placing the children in the middle of an adult struggle by asking them to take sides or turn them against the other parent often creates confusion. Although parents want to protect their children from the stress and anguish of the situation, avoiding the issue is not the way to go. Helping them cope is important—it is often hard to pick the right words in discussing the issue with them. Whatever the reasons for the split-up, children need to be aware that although Mom and Dad can no longer live together happily, Mom is still their mother and Dad will always be their father. It takes time to go through a transition, especially divorce. Some children will breeze through, while others will show negative effects. However, those who cope best are those that continue to have a stable, loving relationship with both parents. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship.