http://www.relazine.com/feed/ http://www.relazine.com/ Free tips and advice about having a successful relationship. From dating to friendship and marriage. Tue, 17 Feb 2009 03:12:30 +0100 Tue, 17 Feb 2009 03:12:30 +0100 http://www.relazine.com/friendship/alone-and-friendless http://www.relazine.com/friendship/alone-and-friendless "Life it’s cruel and unfair, it’s dark and sorrowful, and it is cunning and mean. It’s an unkind game of injustice and prejudice." This is life through the eyes and heart of a lonely person. Yes, everything is truly sad and desolate without friends. Being friendless is not a good way to live a meaningful and healthy life, yet some people continue to isolate themselves from the company of camaraderie. Though I have always been appreciative of my friends, I cannot forget the time when they literally and figuratively made my life beautiful. I remember along time ago, during my college years when my boyfriend and I finally agreed to end our four- year relationship. And to really help me move on, I decided to find a new place. When I finally moved into my new place, everything was a mess. The movers can only do so much, they just carried all my boxes and appliances in my new pad and left. With all my things and stuff lying everywhere and anywhere, I did not now where to start. For days, I just slept in the couch somewhere in the living room near the kitchen. I remember walking on tip toes because I cannot see the floor through all the clutter. I was a mess- inside and out. When one of my friends came and saw me, he called for back up. One by one they arranged my stuff until I could see some pathways in my pad. In less than a day, my place was transformed into a haven- a place of refuge. That act of kindness and thoughtfulness made me feel that everything is going to be fine no matter what happens because there are people around me who care a lot. Being friendless means depriving yourself of sunlight, air and water. It’s like torturing yourself by carrying the whole world on your shoulder. You cannot go through life without friends, that’s a fact. To be able to enjoy the gift of friendship avoid the reasons why some persons are alone and friendless. You will be alone and friendless if you see persons as commodities. If you see people as commodities they will see you as one too, so don’t be surprise if they never see you as an object for their sincerity and compassion. If you believe that spending your time and effort with a person that cannot give you something back is futile, then you are depriving yourself of something precious. But if you believe that there are no wasted acts of kindness then you are definitely a candidate for great and happy days ahead. Another reason why some men and women continue being friendless is because they think they are superior to anybody else and that the world revolves around them. Nobody is above or beyond anybody and the world never revolves to one person, remember that. Learn by heart that the happiest people are the ones who humble themselves and relate themselves to their fellow men. Another reason why some people remain being friendless is because they deem that life is a stiff competition. Competition for what? There’s nothing wrong in reaching the top of whatever, but to achieve your goals in the expense of friendship then you are just fooling yourself. Because not even money or fame can give you profound happiness and satisfaction the way friendship does. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Mon, 26 Jan 2009 09:39:44 +0100 http://www.relazine.com/friendship/Ending-a-friendship http://www.relazine.com/friendship/Ending-a-friendship Ending a friendship can be as painful as ending a romantic love affair. People have different opinions and thoughts which can anguish a person more, ending a friendship or ending a love affair. The satisfaction and the happiness you get from friends are not comparable to the gratification and joy you can have from a romantic relationship. I think these two should never be on the same level with each other. In ending a friendship and love affair, though the degree of grief may be different and the hurt and disappointment may be incomparable but altogether it is a very unpleasant and uncomfortable experience. Though the form of betrayal in romantic relationship is excruciatingly painful, in a friend companionship the betrayal can be quite unexplainable because it can come unexpectedly. Somehow, in some cases you expect a love affair to end because it has a lot of expectations and conditions but in friend companionship somehow you expect it to last longer because it has less expectations and it’s unconditional. It is when the only requirement is to be yourself and to be true to it. That’s why when a true camaraderie ends, the pain can be unfathomable that your only way of dealing with it is to be totally become indifferent to your ex-friend. Whether you like it or not, ending a friendship can be the only option you have, especially if the reason is betrayal of trust. Nothing can be more painful and excruciating for a person that is being betrayed by a fellow friend. When he or she goes out and tell people your most personal and private details then turning your back may be the wisest thing that you should do. Another reason that ending a friendship is the best thing that you should do is when he or she doesn’t know how to honor his or her words. If he or she constantly breaks his or her promise to you then what’s the point of being friends right? If your friend brings out the worst in you then it is be best that ending a friendship is the best decision you can do for yourself. For instance, he or she knows that you are vulnerable and hurting instead of doing something productive, he or she persuades you to take drugs or something self-destructive. Or if he or she knows fully well that you are a recovering alcoholic but still persuades you to go in a bar and have a few drinks. Ending a friendship is a good judgment call when he or she gets jealous with your other friends and doesn’t want you to hang out with anybody else except him or her. A controlling friend is never a good friend. Another reason why ending a friendship in the best choice is when you friend makes you feel bad about yourself, he or she hates your parents, your husband or worst, your kids. If he or she regularly makes you feel that your choices in life is a bad choice then maybe you should consider if he or she is there to be your friend or to be a pest. Friendship is an extension of yourself. This is when you can tell things that you cannot tell your husband or your parents. This is when you are not condemned and judged by being yourself, this is when you are supported unconditionally but is not tolerated when you cross the line. It is supposed to be a gift, so don’t waste another minute spending your time with an unworthy friend. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Wed, 21 Jan 2009 05:19:52 +0100 http://www.relazine.com/friendship/toxic-friend1 http://www.relazine.com/friendship/toxic-friend1 Once or twice in our life we get to encounter a toxic friend. A toxic friend is someone who constantly gives you a headache and disappoints you most of the time. She puts you on the spot, embarrasses you and worse, betrays you. It’s kind of ironic that you call her a friend when she habitually lets you down. A toxic friend is great in some aspect; she can make you laugh. You have fun when you hang out but when it comes to serious stuff, she always lets you down. One example of a toxic friend is a person who never stands up to her words. She may be great in giving some advice and is a good listener but when she starts making promises, even if you bet your life on it, she will surely break it. Having a pal like this can be very annoying and infuriating. I have a buddy like this once. She promised me we are going to meet at half past one in the afternoon to watch a great movie but to my dismay, she didn’t show up and I ended up waiting for her for five hours. I could have left the first hour but she keeps on calling and swearing that she’s stuck somewhere but will arrive in a few moment. After expecting her to come for five hours, I felt like an idiot for believing her. But instead of getting mad, I totally felt sorry for her. I predictably confronted her the next day but instead of apologizing, she bursts into anger and told me I’m an unsympathetic person not to understand her dilemma. It was futile to argue. I could have forgotten about it but she did it again not only to me but to other people as well. So I finally concluded that she is indeed a toxic friend not only to me but to other people, too. If you have a pal as toxic as mine, and if you care enough, talking to her helps. Tell her about the value of keeping promises because if she doesn’t put some weight on her words, people will never take her seriously. It will be very hard for her to have a meaningful relationship someday. And the next time she promises something, it’s wise to challenge her if she can keep it or not. Another toxic friend is a chum who will turn on you. The “Judas” incarnate is the worse thing that can happen to you. Usually a person who betrays a friend is a person with really deep-seated problems. This person will win your trust and spill it to other people that she will soon betray. She will split your friends up and will tell ill stories about you. A toxic friend like this takes pleasure in your misery. A toxic friend is usually driven by envy and jealousy. The only way to deal with this kind of person is total ignorance and indifference. Never waste another minute being with her. Keep away from her and from anything that has to do with her. It will be very trivial to spend your days with this kind of person. As the line in the great poem Desiderata says “Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.” And so you must, it’s just wise. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Tue, 6 Jan 2009 09:30:36 +0100 http://www.relazine.com/friendship/friends-to-lovers http://www.relazine.com/friendship/friends-to-lovers The transition from friends to lovers can be difficult to do especially if you have been friends for a long time. You know that it can also be quite scary for a girl to hear that her guy best friend is falling inlove with her. So the best you can do is to endure a little more time hiding your real feelings and continue being one of the “girlfriends”. I can only imagine what a torture it can be hearing her lusting about this guy or talking about how great the date or the sex was. Just think that enduring this pain has a greater purpose. Taking her by surprise that you’re inlove with her can do more harm than good. You will be risking the long and beautiful friendship. If you don’t do it right your friend might think that you took advantage of her friendship just to get close to her and get her attention. Your attraction to her can be misinterpreted as betrayal and manipulation to win her interest. So if you want to change lanes from friends to lovers, do it correctly and with finesse. First thing that you should do is to think and try to put your place in her place. How would you feel if the person you truly trust and feel comfortable with and considers as “one of the guy” now sees you differently? Predictably, you will now feel strange and uncomfortable towards her. You can no longer express yourself to her because you’re careful not to hurt her feelings. You can now kiss your wonderful friendship goodbye. If you have thought deeply of the consequences of leaping from friends to lovers, you might need to slow down and create an action plan. The good news is, if you want to do that change from friends to lovers, you have the advantage. You know her more than any other guy in the planet. All you have to do is give her that attention she needs. Take care of her, pamper her. Let your actions do the talking. The reason she puts you in a friend category is because you treated her like one of her girlfriend treats her. Exert an extra effort. Open the door for her, extend the chair when she’s about to sit down, download her favorite music in her ipod, help her with her errands, put a coat on her when its cold. Let other people notice how a great guy you are and let her be the envy of her girlfriends. When she talks about the guy she’s crazy about, listen and naturally inject your own opinions on what you would do if you’re in a relationship. For instance, you can say something like “if I found the girl of my dreams, I will pamper her and take care of her the way I take care of you. I will love her and do my best not to hurt her. I will protect her and make her smile always. I will not just a lover to her but a best friend, just like us…” In making a transition from friends to lovers, do it gradually. Bit by bit let her see your potential as a mate. Let her see you in a different light. Let her see that you can be more than friends and that turning friends to lovers can be a good thing. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Mon, 29 Dec 2008 11:42:46 +0100 http://www.relazine.com/friendship/Dealing-with-peer-pressure http://www.relazine.com/friendship/Dealing-with-peer-pressure Dealing with peer pressure is an ongoing process. Being in this situation is more than just a stage or phase that people go through. If dealing with peer pressure is not handled well, it can have permanent or damaging effects. Teenagers are not the only people prone to this kind of dilemma. As an adult you are also at risk of negative persuasion especially if the persuader is your superior or your lover. I have this friend of mine who abhors tattooing but when she got involved with this “rocker” guy I was totally shocked to see a tattoo of their names in her ankle. She said her “rocker” boyfriend convinced her to get a tattoo as a sign of their exclusivity and undying love. Then there’s this guy friend of mine who hasn’t smoked a stick of cigarette in his life until he ironically got accepted in this large cigarette company. He said he had no choice because his boss told him “How can you sell a product you haven’t tried?” The last time I heard he was smoking a pack and a half a day. No matter what stage in life you are in, you have to learn the art of dealing with peer pressure or else you will suffer the consequences you want to avoid in the first place. So before you get stressed out, here are some ways in dealing with peer pressure. Learn how to say no in a polite, non- offensive manner. For instance, if your rowdy officemates wants you to come and have a beer drinking party after work but you’re not in the mood. Instead of putting them off and risk being labeled as “boring”, it’s better to say no using their own language. In other words, refuse them in such a way that they will understand. You can say “A beer drinking marathon? That is awesome, man! I’d really love to join but I can’t tonight. But definitely count me in the next time.” If it’s your boss who is trying to pressure you to try something against your conviction, refuse him in a well-mannered kind of way. Another way in dealing with peer pressure is a white lie. Yes, I’m advising you to lie. If you promised yourself not to drink another glass of cognac again and you want to keep that promise then do everything you can to stand up to that promise. Even if it takes lying to your fellows. The next time you are offered a glass of cognac, tell them the most convincing white lie. Here’s a suggestion “I loved to but I have chronic peptic ulcer disease and my doctor warned me I’ll suffer from bowel incontinence if ever I’ll take just one glass of that thing.” Another suggestion in dealing with peer pressure is to have an escape route. Having an action plan in your pocket when you are about to be compelled by your associate is always better. One colleague of mine told me his strategy. He said before anybody notices, he leaves the building and turns off his cellphone. It saves him a lot of unnecessary mental stress. Other ways of dealing with peer pressure is to nurture strong self esteem. This is applicable if you are being swayed by your potential partner to do something totally against your will. Remember, if he respects you, he will respect your convictions. If he’s trying to convince you in to doing something that will make you feel guilty afterwards, then assess your relationship. Dealing with peer pressure should never be an issue if you’re in a healthy romantic relationship or with real friends. If you’re not accepted as who you are then forget it. Life is too short for pleasing too many people. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Tue, 16 Dec 2008 06:11:31 +0100 http://www.relazine.com/friendship/best-friend1 http://www.relazine.com/friendship/best-friend1 I have always been very sentimental and close to my friends. They always matter to me. I once told this best friend of mine when my time is up in this world, I want you to be the one to speak in my eulogy because you’re the one who really knows me to the core- justify me. This is not an unusual occurrence, there are so many people out there when asked who knows them more- they are going to tell you, it’s their best friend; not their mom, not their dad, not their siblings, and not even their spouse. I can only count these few good people with my one hand but the duration of that friendship is not less than a decade. I have this one best friend and we have been friends since grade school, we have been with each other since our first menses to our first babies. We are each other’s human diary- we laughed and giggled when we had our first boyfriend and shared experiences when we had our first sexual experience. We are each other’s catharsis when we had our heart’s broken for the first time and up until now- in spite of the distance, we are still each other’s catharsis. Now that we are miles apart, nothing has changed. Though we see each other three to four times a year but the fondness and enthusiasm of being together is never gone. There’s this also one best friend of mine, who has been with me for almost a decade already. I consider him not just a close friend alone but a family. He is one person my parents trust. We make it a point to have at least a monthly, or if we’re not too busy a weekly, bonding moment. Having one of our bonding moments is like recharging our emotional and mental batteries. We energize each other and we make each other feel better no matter how “shitty” things get in life. This is one aspect of my life that I’m really thankful for- having true and real people around, one that I can trust and rely on. What exactly makes friendship stand the test of time? To have a best friend, you have to be one. There’s this saying that I live by and it helped me a lot in dealing with people. It’s something about being prejudice. If you are a prejudice person, you deprive your self of true happiness and beauty in life. So, it goes without saying that to have good friends you need to have an open mind and don’t be judgmental. Take each person as he is, respect the individuality and your differences- it is the one of the things that makes friendship colorful and meaningful. This is a vital facet of friendship - respecting each other’s individuality. This is why I said and some people also say that, it is their best friend who knows them better than anybody else because true friends allow each other to be themselves without judging or being ridiculed upon. As a matter of fact, being with true friends is a place where you can totally go crazy without being denounced or criticized. A best friend will never lie to you no matter how much it will hurt you- a best friend is also your gauge factor, they will remind you that you are of your limits and you are being irrational or selfish. One point that your best friend is a good influence is even your parents approve of him or her. In life, we get to encounter different kinds of people and obstacles and in order not to get lost along the way, it is important that we know what matters- family and friends. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Mon, 8 Dec 2008 04:22:41 +0100 http://www.relazine.com/friendship/friends-with-you-ex http://www.relazine.com/friendship/friends-with-you-ex Breaking up is always an unpleasant episode especially if you’re the one being dumped. Nothing can make you feel rejected in all sense of the word than being dumped. The pain of the break up can be overwhelming; it can really change you into an untrusting individual. On the other hand, if you’re the one on the other side of the fence who pioneered the break up- your situation is just as unpleasant. You are now the villain, the inconsiderate monkey who cause someone irrefutable emotional damage. Sometimes, this complicated emotions brought about by the break up can lead to solutions you thought are best for you and your ex. Both of you are thinking of being friends with you ex. Being friends with your ex, you think is the best solution especially if you’re the one who suggested the break up- it will not let you feel or look as bad for your ex. And for the one who has been broken hearted- you also think being friends with your ex can ease up the pain of his absence and at the same time keeping in contact with him or her will not be as heart breaking. You can think of so many things and reasons to justify your being friends with your ex but the truth of the matter is- it’s a bad idea to the maximum level. Friends talk about all things under the sun; it’s a no halts- barred conversation about stuff, no inhibitions at all. And mind you, you have to listen, friends talk and listen. So, can you imagine telling your ex how frustrated you are with this girl you met and did not return your call after night of body slamming? Or can you imagine yourself pouring your heart out with the one night stand you had last night and experienced the best sex ever? Can you imagine yourself listening to the gory detail of your former lover’s sexcapades? Of course you can’t, it can either make you sick to your stomach or make you hate your former lover or yourself more. And this is just the minor things you get to encounter if you want to be friends with your past guy or girl. Can you picture the scenario of your former guy bringing along with him his new girlfriend? You see them hugging and kissing right in front of you. Can you handle them doing the PDA in your face? and that’s just in public, can you imagine him doing all the things that he use to do with you behind closed doors and now doing it to this new girl? That’s really got to hurt. Can you imagine shaking hands with this new guy who is now making the “hangky panky” with your former girl? No matter how you both justify it, it’s not a good idea to be friends, it’s really not. It’s hard to move on when you see each other on a regular basis and update each other about new life’s happening. It’s just completely awkward and uncomfortable situation especially if what you had was a serious relationship and if the memory is still fresh. People are inherently possessive, it’s very difficult to see someone you use to have intimate moments with and share beautiful and “not so beautiful” times together being in the arms of a stranger. Remember, slow and gradual death is much more painful than sudden death meaning its better to instantly cut any communication then give your self time to wallow in the pain of your relationship then move on. Breaking up doesn’t always mean an end of a relationship; it can sometimes mean a beginning of a new and better relationship with yourself and with a better person. Trust in fate that everything works for the best of you. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Wed, 26 Nov 2008 10:23:52 +0100 http://www.relazine.com/friendship/Friends-with-Benefits http://www.relazine.com/friendship/Friends-with-Benefits Friends with benefits happens when too people who see each other for orgasm decides to talk afterwards. They decide to talk, eat together and meet outside the confines of the bedroom and actually enjoy each others company… or it can be the other way around. They are buddies who love to talk, eat together until they meet in the confines of the bedroom and discover they like giving each other orgasms. There is this norm in friends with benefits, your not supposed to be emotionally involved. The silent rule is not to have any rule- no commitments. You have to be a highly evolved human being if you are able to separate your emotions to someone you do body slamming with in some cheap motel regularly. Granting you’re a highly evolved being or just jaded- if there’s any difference. Can friends with benefits work? The difference with a one night stand with this "advantageous affiliation" is when the involved people decide to have exclusive sex with each other but the option to date other people remains open. People are often drawn to this kind of affair because of the excitement it brings. Only the two of them knows- the other colleagues remain oblivious- it’s a taboo. Friends with benefits can only work if both individuals have enough maturity. They like each other enough to sleep with each other but not enough to spend their whole life with each other. So they decide to become a couple until the ideal person for them comes along. So it’s better to just enjoy the moment while it lasts. Enjoy the benefits without the complications of a real committed relationship. One thing that makes this kind of “friendship” work is the fact that it has less stress and no high expectations from the other person. You don’t take each other seriously because you know you don’t need to. You talk like buddies, go out like buddies, you are allowed to flirt when you bumped into someone you like and your “friend” won’t mind. Yet, you have the bonus of sex. What can be more exciting than that? As long as you none of you falls in love the way couples do then there are no complications. It’s less stressful when emotions don’t get in the way. Too much emotion complicates everything; jealousy and expectations develops. When emotion gets involved then the “friends with benefits” set- up is surely over and you can’t even recover the friendship part. Does this mean that you have to be devoid of emotions? Not necessary, devoid is such a strong word. The best thing to do probably is to be the captain of your own emotions. Every relationship should have a goal- how do you want it to end or do you want it prosper? Friends with benefits couples should transcend and focus on the benefits of companionship. It’s a salute to every “friends with benefits couple” if they are able to surpass the lusty sex part and can still remain friends in the end even better if they rise above and become friends and lovers with commitment. In whatever relationship you have, it is essential that there is growth and that’s what every couple should watch out for- the potential of the each party and the relationship to grow. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Mon, 17 Nov 2008 10:28:50 +0100 http://www.relazine.com/friendship/Friendship http://www.relazine.com/friendship/Friendship The answer is definitely YES! But we were made to believe that male- female friendship cannot be and will not be done. It is impossible. Well, we can’t blame them- we were made and brought up to believe that man and woman coexist in the bounds of sex and romance alone. It is written in the bible- Eve was created for Adam. It is in the television- Monica and Chandler in Friends; George and Izzy in Grey’s Anatomy. It is in the movies- “When Harry Met Sally”, the movie was basically about cross-sex camaraderie and proved that men and women cannot resists the temptation of sex, that it always comes between them. These cultural beliefs and images are difficult to over come, it is not surprising why we stereotype man and women to end in a romantic relationship. Those people who believe that man and woman companionship cannot exist are those people who also believe men should be in the office and women should stay at home. Little do they know, man and woman can treat each other equally and not see each others as sexually potentials. Cross-sex friendship exist and can prosper if they can hurdle through certain obstacles and challenges from within, from their friend and from society. They must first define the relationship. They must be logical enough to know what is the most appropriate thing to do within the bounds of friendship. They should be aware; yes, they like each other and even care for each other, but enough to marry each other? Absolutely not. Another obstacle that they should rise above is the sexual tension. If one or both of the people involved is physically attracted to another, then forget it. Friendship is not possible in cases like this. You cannot do your usual “friend-friend thing” if one of you is lusting over another. The equality rule. If men and women can live by this, then they can go through with their platonic friendship. Men should have the complete consciousness that women can be as bossy and domineering as men and same with women that men can be as sensitive and compassionate as them. If you don’t believe in this then you end-up ridiculing each other and not respecting each other’s individuality. The public opinion. If cross-sex friendship knows how to deal with doubters, then their camaraderie is strong enough to stay that way. If they can laugh through the criticism and judgments of the society and not be affected by it then their alliance is certain to last. The gender segregation. If both male-female does not segregate themselves from each other, it is easier to be aware of each other’s world and be open to friendship. Friendship is about understanding, accepting and not judging. It is about having the same wavelength with each other. When we are asked- what is a friend? What first comes to mind is a person who is always there for us, who cares without expectations, a person who we can always rely on and trust. So, does it really matter what is between the legs? True friendship is about deep companionship, it sees beyond gender and sexuality. It is about meeting of the minds. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Mon, 16 Jun 2008 22:28:25 +0200 http://www.relazine.com/friendship/staying-friends http://www.relazine.com/friendship/staying-friends For a lot of relationships, breaking up is an inevitable reality that must be dealt with quite often. It is hard to do, no doubt about it, but it must be done and got over with. What makes it extra painful is not seeing the other person go, actually, but the feeling that it has all been an utter waste of a lot of time and emotional energy. Besides, the thought of never seeing or speaking to a loved one again is definitely scary, which is what makes a lot of couples believe that staying friends with the ex is better even after the decision that the relationship can never work. This is one bad breakup habit to break, especially for a lot of women who would rather have a platonic relationship than to lose someone completely. Surveys show that quite a lot of people go back to being friends with their ex. However, a lot of them only tried in vain—staying friends simply won’t work, just as the relationship won’t work. Yes, people do it all the time—but it doesn’t mean that the idea of post-relationship friendship is totally realistic. It all depends on a lot of things: the nature of a couple’s romance, the level of commitment they had, the length of time that the relationship lasted, the whys and hows of the breakup, and of course if there are children involved. Turning your Ex into a buddy does not occur automatically as a result of the breakup. It is something that needs to be mulled over carefully. Still not sure whether staying friends with your Ex is a good idea? Ask yourself these very important questions and decide whether you still want to remain friends or not: What kind of friendship will you have? We all know that there are different types of friends—there are friends you hang out with on Saturday nights, friends that you only bump into occasionally, and those with whom you can pour out even your innermost thoughts and emotions. Which group will your ex fall under? Remember that the relationship you have is a bit complicated, so he/she may not fit neatly into any category. The point of the whole process of breaking up is to move on and get over the person. This clearly can’t be done if one’s Ex is still hanging around like a bad case of flu. Can you resist getting physical with your Ex? Relationships often end because of irreconcilable differences of a couple. When this happens, there is a good chance that there is still an ample amount of leftover lust that can heat up a platonic relationship every time one or the other gets frisky. Everyone knows that having sex with the ex is never a good idea: it only slows down the recovery process and puts one through an emotional wringer. Do you have any plans for a future romance with another person? Every person always has his/her own way of getting over a breakup. It can be quite some time before some people can go out on a date again, but having a future romance will eventually happen. It won’t be an easy feat, however, to start a new relationship while hobnobbing around with a past lover. Getting together the past and present lovers can always sabotage a new relationship with needless jealousy and distrust. Can you truthfully move on? Staying friends with the ex may feel like a good way to ease the pain of breaking up, but it can only prevent a person from truly moving on and start healing. It can definitely hurt knowing that you will no longer be a part of your Ex’s daily life but hey, just get on with it and start a new life that will do you good! About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Mon, 2 Jun 2008 20:34:01 +0200 http://www.relazine.com/friendship/choosing-friends http://www.relazine.com/friendship/choosing-friends Friends can be such a blessing in any persons’ life. They can laugh with you in joyful times, or give a comforting hug in times of sadness and pain. Having friends can endow one with a limitless healing power. It is a true gift when one finds others in life that is on the same spiritual path as they are. The feeling of being alone suddenly ebbs, and in helping others, a person helps himself as well. Anybody will surely be reminded of the things that make life worthwhile, and heal anything that holds one down. It is essential for a person to take the time to really get to know oneself in choosing friends or finding “angels” who are on the same path as they are. You need to discover your inner self—know what your values are and strive to stand firmly to them. By this, you can be sure that you’ll begin to meet others with the same values as you have. After all, like energy attracts like energy. In order to gain quality friends, you must know how to be a quality friend. Friends can always divide one’s sorrows and multiply one’s joys. Anyone in your life who is dragging you down is absolutely not a friend. This kind of individuals are on a different path in life and they need to meet other people and learn different life lessons. Meeting people on the same path as you are can give one an opportunity to grow and succeed and live the life that a person is meant to live. persons like this will surely lift your spirits, as they can make you feel better as you learn from them. It is vital to choose one’s friends wisely, for they are reflections of the heart. Choosing friends wisely can make a big difference in one’s life. you must assure yourself everyday that you deserve to be surrounded by people who have trust and confidence in you—those who are able to see the infinite beauty in you and the world; people who are kind and have only the best intentions for others. Always believe that there are angels in the world, and that all our struggles happen for a reason—to make us stronger and more understanding of people and life in general. One thing to remember in choosing friends is to move slowly with people. It is not easy getting to know a person genuinely. It would be wise to take your time to really get to know a person inside and out in choosing friends. But the benefits can be rewarding, because once you truly know a person, there will be a lesser chance of knowing people that may cause you pain and anguish in the future. Spending some time with the person will enable you to see his/her true colors. Time reveals all, so try to be patient and don’t rush things because it could actually work to your advantage. Don’t ever let your heart be jaded from past experiences. Instead, learn to trust your instincts and hope that everything will work out fine. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Tue, 20 May 2008 19:40:15 +0200 http://www.relazine.com/friendship/meet-new-people http://www.relazine.com/friendship/meet-new-people Anyone who’s looking for advice on where to go to meet new people need not look far; tons of websites, articles and chat rooms have advice on just about anything, which can be accessed without breaking a sweat. Although these advices are quite informative and useful, the real essence of meeting new people is not on the “where”. It’s easy to find someplace where people get together: one could join an organization, enrol in a class or volunteer in the neighbourhood. But, when you’re already in a group, what next? This is the not-so-easy part: how to meet new people once you get there. Approaching someone and getting them to talk may not be that hard, but it definitely requires action on your part. Surely you can’t expect people to come over and talk to you when you’re just there, not doing anything. Keep in mind that you might not be the only person who’s having a hard time trying to meet new people. If you are painfully shy, take the initiative to overcome the shyness. Self-help books and websites are always available to provide answers to your questions and possibly solutions to your problems. If the shyness becomes overwhelming, it would be best to consult a physician or therapist. You may not know it, but you might be having a condition known as social anxiety disorder. Even if a person is shy, there’s always a way to learn behaviours that can make one more outgoing. The first and most helpful step is finding the right location. Look for a place where other people will have at least one general interest similar to yours. Check out what’s available in your area—you can enrol at the local college or volunteer for projects through local volunteer centers in your area. Prepare a list of potential questions to ask someone even before you get to the location. Avoid yes or no questions—open-ended ones allow the other person to say more than a one word answer to the conversation. Think of things that would make you both feel comfortable, because the other person could be shy, too. Take time to look around the room after you walk in the door. Don’t panic when you’re not talking to anybody yet. Try to get a feel for the group while looking at the people. Now, for the real task: approaching someone. look around for somebody who’s alone—it’s usually easier to approach a person on his/her own than in a group and chances are, that person may be just as shy as you! Do your best to make the person comfortable when engaging him/her in a conversation. You can do either the direct or indirect approach. As the name implies, direct approach is well, direct. Muster whatever courage you have and walk up to the person and say hi. This is quite challenging yet often yield positive results. To make yourself less intimidating, stand next to the person instead of making a beeline for them. Or make eye contact first and smile—it is almost certain that the person will smile back, and give you the motivation you need to talk to them. But, if the mere idea of striking a conversation with someone makes you quiver, you can try the indirect approach. For example, if you’re in a classroom, inquire if the seat next to someone is already taken. Use the opportunity to introduce yourself as you sit down. Now that you’re acquainted, you can mentally rehash your prepared questions. Be as engaging as you can be—keep the person talking and talk about yourself, too (not too much, though, or you’ll end up looking like a show off). Do a friendship follow-up to know the person deeper. It could be coffee after class or a group study that can lead to a strong friendship, who knows? About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Wed, 14 May 2008 19:34:20 +0200 http://www.relazine.com/friendship/divorce http://www.relazine.com/friendship/divorce One of the most painful experiences a father can endure is divorce. Yes, men hurt as much as women, although it is always assumed that women are the only hapless victims. A lot of men going through divorce also feel loneliness, anxiety, disappointment, and depression. There may be feelings of anger, betrayal and rejection for their soon-to-be ex-wife, but being in a family is one thing that they surely miss. And most of all, fathers going through divorce often miss living with the kids, who usually stay with the mom. Divorce rates are at an all-time high, and it’s common to have a divorced mom or dad in our circle of friends. If you have this friend, how can you be more supportive? How does one go about helping a friend through the process positively? Do you know how not to take sides but still be there for your him? At the early stages of a separation or divorce, your friend will go through different stages of grief. Of course he’s hurt, and there’s nothing more that he would want to do than talk. Unlike women, men don’t usually express their feelings and emotions. But then, divorce is an extremely emotional period. Spend time with him in a listening mode—just let him talk or vent his feelings, even cry. Men are born with the inclination to solve the problem at hand, but you will not be able to solve the breakup of your friends’ marriage. Always put in mind that you are neither his lawyer nor his therapist. Avoid giving direct opinions and advice; whenever you are tempted to do so, check yourself. Your friend is already having a hard time—and there will be more troubled times. The legal process of divorce can cause either regret or pain. Critical moments such as birthdays of the kids, anniversaries or the holidays can be especially tough. It would be a big help if you could visit or be with your friend on these days. During conversations, we can sometimes get carried away in helping a friend. True, he has a lot of emotional problems at the moment, but it doesn’t mean that you can prescribe answers to his problems. You are not a trained therapist so don’t try to be one. You can, however, recommend resources, such as his employee assistance program at work, or good books about surviving divorce. If he has a hard time coping on his own, you can guide him to a good divorce lawyer, getting him to church or looking for competent psychological help when needed. It is normal for a person going through divorce to withdraw or isolate himself from family and friends. Find ways to get him out of the house—pick one of his favourite activities and enjoy it together. Camping, a long aimless drive to somewhere, or fishing are all excellent ideas. Even just a long walk is a good way to let a friend out of his cocoon of self-pity. Unhealthy crutches, like alcohol and prescription drug abuse are common for men going through divorce. Be vigilant and watch out for signs that he may be turning to these crutches. Help him cope in a healthy way, one that does not involve excessive drinking and pills. Well-meaning friends have the best intentions if they introduce a single female to their friend going through divorce. Not an excellent idea, though. Moving into a new relationship may only cause problems for his kids, and it will not help him get over his lost love. Being there for a friend through divorce is important, but you have a life and obligations as well. Don’t let your own family or work suffer-- keep everything in balance, and you’ll be better able to help him. Your support during these times is invaluable in helping him cope successfully. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Tue, 6 May 2008 21:45:29 +0200 http://www.relazine.com/friendship/toxic-friend http://www.relazine.com/friendship/toxic-friend When we hear the word “friend”, we think of love, trust, laughter, a feeling of security, comfort and happiness. It reminds us of bike rides on summer afternoons, camp-outs in the backyard and toasted marshmallows, of pillow fights and slumber parties. Life’s precious moments are always shared with a friend: first crush, first kiss, and first love. Friends share our joys, sorrows and triumphs. They brighten our lives and make it worth living. Although a friendship is always perceived as something positive, something that can make us feel better and make life more pleasant, it can also make a person’s life miserable. Some people boast of having a BFF (best friend forever), probably somebody they’ve known since their training-pants-wearing days. But, for a lot of people, (especially women) a BFF is a mythical creature—female friendships don’t often turn out the way they should. A toxic friendship is a relationship that is consistently negative and draining. When a friend stresses you out, is unreliable and overly demanding and only takes what he could get out of you, then that person is toxic. In short, this person is more harm than good, which is what friendships are supposed to be. A toxic friendship can be one of our life’s experiences that is hard to forgive and forget. Toxic friends come in various shapes and sizes. They all have something in common, though: they can hurt and harm you eventually. Watch out for these main types and try to avoid them at all costs. The Drainer: she thinks she carries the whole world on her shoulders—she always needs help but would rarely offer any. This person will only be friends with you as long as she can use you for her own devious designs. She always does the taking—she rarely knows how to give. The Judge: when this person is done with you, your self-esteem will be totally eroded. Hurling Criticisms or judgments is her expertise, and pointing out your faults her hobby. Her life’s one and only goal is to make you feel smaller than Thumbelina. The Leaner: as clingy as a vine, she’s always knocking on your door. She is needier than a little girl, usually eats up a lot of your time and is more jealous than a lover. The Gossip: this dirt-disher can make you laugh and feel as if you’re sharing something intimate. She’s so smooth that you won’t notice it when she eggs you to share something private about yourself. Her mission: spread the word and betray your trust. The Narcissist: this self-centered diva is incapable of thinking about other people (that includes you) because she’s too busy thinking of herself. Turn on the spotlight and the world becomes her stage. The Teaser: this is one witty and entertaining performer. She’s the clown of the group, but guess who’s the butt of her nasty jokes? YOU. Like the Judge, she’s good at undermining somebody—in a humorous way, of course. The Competitor: she always wants to be the first, the “one up”. Compete with her and she’ll do anything within her powers to swat you like a fly. She’s probably keeping you around because you’re a good sport. The Man-Killer: this friend is charming, a great listener, almost perfect. Enter a man—your brother, your boyfriend, etc – she lights up her 100-watt smile, bats her eyelashes and you become invisible. Flirting is second nature to her, and it makes you feel insignificant and awkward when anything that resembles a male is present. Not all friends are worth keeping. Toss the nasty ones out and have a healthier life. Life is too precious to waste on anything toxic. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship. Wed, 30 Apr 2008 04:22:12 +0200 http://www.relazine.com/friendship/good-friend http://www.relazine.com/friendship/good-friend What makes a friendship important? Friendship has many health benefits, including a longer and healthier life. It also makes our otherwise boring lives more exciting and fun, interesting and relaxing. Having just one close or best friend also enhances a person’s ability to deal with stress and problems. Support from lovers, siblings, parents and children do not provide the same health benefits as that of friendship. The level of understanding and communication is different—there are things that you can tell your pal that you would NEVER say to your Mom, right? There are secrets that only she can keep, and jokes that only she can appreciate. Although not fully understood, researchers have found out that friends can boost the immunity system. Good friends can make you feel relaxed, can comfort you and be there for you when you need somebody to talk to, even cry and laugh with! They can be a strong support network that could keep you motivated and boost your self-esteem through the hardest of times. Every person needs a friend—do you know how to be one? Here are five easy ways to become a good friend: Spend time together. You’re in Atlanta, she’s in Tokyo. How on earth can you possibly spend time together? Sometimes spending time with a her doesn’t mean that you have to be physically present. Being miles away is no match to the World Wide Web. Send emails or have a video chat and show her your new ‘do. If your friend is only a few blocks away, you can always gossip in the bedroom. Show her that you care about the friendship. Instead of cleaning the house like you do on most afternoons, go that extra mile and go shopping with her. We all have priorities, but setting aside a chore or two for a friend once in a while will surely make her smile. Or, if the house badly needs a scrubbing, why not ask her to help you out? Be there for your friend whenever you can. Celebrate with her on moments of joy and happiness, and comfort her on moments of sorrows and difficulties. Sometimes there’s nothing that you can really do except to be there. Your mere presence will surely make the occasion a happier or a more bearable one. Throw away your score-cards. Do you count the number of calls she has made versus your number of calls? Can’t forget the time when she didn’t give you a birthday gift? Get over it. Friendship is about give-and-take but, if you feel that you are giving more and you’re not okay with it, then be honest with her. Tell her and get over it. Focus on her strengths, and help her enhance her weaknesses. You’re human, she’s human. Humans make mistakes. A good friend accepts you for whatever you are. Besides, you have your own strengths and weaknesses too. Avoid being judgemental and accept her as a totally different person from you. After all, differences are what make life more exciting! There are countless ways to be a good friend. It doesn’t have to be expensive or over the top, just as long you show your friends that you truly value the friendship. About the author. Ruth Purple is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. Ruth now decided to share her knowledge through this site, Relazine.com. You can sign up for her free weekly newsletter and learn how to find love and compassion in your relationship.